Sorry, Not For Sale

(This was where J. Brad Hicks's Resumé was.)

If you're looking to hire a computer professional and that's why you followed some link to this page, I'm sorry to waste your time. If your time is valuable and you need to get on with your search, by all means, skip the rest of this and go on searching, because I am no longer on the market.

My Computer Career

To summarize the resumé that used to be at this location, I graduated from Taylor University in 1982 with a BA in Math/CompSci. I then worked five and a half years at McDonnell Douglas, from July '82 to September '87. I spent the first couple years of that working on a MDC proprietary PICK system, then I switched to PC Support. When MCAIR tried to turn me into an IMS database designer, I transferred to MD Federal Systems (the TRIMIS project) as a Macintosh Support engineer, and was laid off from that job when the company lost the TRIMIS contract. (I got my five-year pin and my layoff notice in the same meeting.)

Then came some downtime, which my resumé euphemistically called freelance consulting. Actually, between that fall and the next July when I resumed working for a living, I did do some consulting, for example for HOK, and some freelance programming, but mostly I temped or did without. (I hate job hunting, and I used to be even worse at it.)

In July of '88, I started with Wave Technical Training, writing some Macintosh related courses for them. I did a good job, I think, but marketing never found customers for them, so I got laid off from that job, too -- right into the figurative arms of one of my students, a manager at MasterCard International.

In March of '89, I was hired by MasterCard International. Six and a half years of Macintosh and PC support and LAN engineering (and at least three major reorgs) later, in November of '95, I was fired. I say I was fired because my manager and I disagreed on too many technical and management issues. If he, or anyone else at MasterCard, repeats the slander that appeared on my termination letter one more time, I'm going to sue them all for libel and slander.

What I've Done Since

Well, I left MasterCard with a huge bundle of money saved up, and semi-firm plans to sell my house for a huge profit, so I didn't start looking for work right away. The fact of the matter is that after one of those reorgs, I was transferred under a manager so abusive, neglectful, and incompetent that the stress was starting to tell on me. (So why did I stay? Good money, an incredible 401K, and a job and a company that I used to love.) After almost three years of that, followed by a very traumatic firing, I needed more than a year before I could even think about looking for more computer work.

Then I put in some time consulting, through a firm run by a friend's father, Raiche & Associates. I only got one contract, and the lying client screwed me out of several months of work by reserving my time for several months (which caused Raiche & Associates to turn away work), and then cancelling after only two weeks. By the time I was offered another contract, I had come to the conclusion that I didn't want one.

For the last two years, I've done little but think about my fourteen years in the computer industry (eighteen, if you count academia). And do you know what conclusion I've come to? I would rather dig ditches. I would, in fact, rather be dragged over red hot shards of broken glass than work in the computer field ever again. As a result, I am no longer available for hire as a PC support specialist, Macintosh support specialist, or LAN engineer, despite the fact that I'm one of the best you could find at any of those things.

(I don't care if you believe me or not. No, come to think of it, if you're looking to hire somebody, I'd rather that you didn't believe me.)

Why Not?

For the fourteen years I worked as a computer professional, I spent about half of my time in technical support. But I am not quitting because I couldn't stand the users.

Oh, I can swap "stupid user" stories with the best of them. I actually saw an "any key" problem. At MDC, we ran into one guy who couldn't figure out why his PC/XT wouldn't run during a building-wide power failure, since he had heard that there was a battery inside. I knew an excellent manager who did "spreadsheets" in MacWrite II, totalling the columns with a handheld calculator, because the thought of learning another application froze her like a deer in the headlights. And I'll never forget the user who emailed me the question: "Can I get rid of my monitor and just use my hard disk?"

But that part of the job never bothered me, because I don't look down on them for not knowing. I don't know most of their jobs, and wouldn't be good at the ones that I understand. It's their job to be good at their job; it's my job to keep the computers running and explain things to them when they don't have the time, skills, or inclination to figure them out. I have good documentation skills, good teaching skills, and I like explaining things to people.

So why am I dropping out of my field, after fourteen years? Working conditions. I am no longer willing to work for Dilbert's Boss.

Let me count off all of the one-up and two-up managers I've worked for in the past fourteen years, and sum up my impression of them.

Company Manager Management Ability Tech Smarts Naughty or Nice? "Dilbert's Boss?"
MCAIR Tom R. Mediocre Dim Naughty [1] Yes
Frank R. Mediocre Totally Clueless Naughty [1] Yes
MDFS David G. Poor Bright Nice No
Tony O. Awful [2] Bright Pure Evil [2] Worse
Greg F. Brilliant OK Wonderful [3] No!
Wave Ken K. OK Bright Not Sure No
MasterCard Mike M. Poor Great Nice No
Dick S. Impressive [4] Poor Marginal [4] Yes
Tom D. Unbelievably Awful [5] Poor [6] OK Yes [7]
Brenda N. Brilliant [8] Bright [8] Wonderful [8] No!
Fred M. Dubious [9] Dim Don't Know [9] Yes
can't remember [9] Don't Know [9] Yes

Footnotes:

  1. Prone to "cook" the books to make themselves look good, like almost every manager I ever met at MDC.

  2. Had to be seen to be believed. Willing to sabotage the project to make a personal political point. Almost certainly double-billed his time to the government and to other clients. Almost certainly stole tens of thousands of dollars worth of hardware. Emotionally abusive to all coworkers, subordinate or not. Violent, uncontrollable temper; was fired (after he laid me off) for threatening to kill another manager, in front of witnesses.

  3. Incredible people, management, and political skills, and a good business sense. On the other hand, loses a few points for failing to catch Tony O., who worked for him.

  4. An incredible manager of details, priorities, resources, and schedules. But he wouldn't give prime assignments or educational opportunities to female subordinates because he didn't believe that women could really be engineers. (Should have been sued, repeatedly, for sexual discrimination.) Told a Buddhist subordinate that her religion made him uncomfortable. On the other hand, he tried to get over his religious bigotry while on the job; other than that one ill-made remark, none of his non-Christian employees had real problems with him.

  5. Again, has to be seen to be believed. Admitted that he cannot and will not give feedback: "I don't feel comfortable giving praise or criticism." Paper went into his office, and never, ever came out. Completely unable or unwilling to set priorities. Managed his entire department to a number that nobody inside or outside the department cared about, which made us famous for poor service levels. It's not an accident or a coincidence that over half of the engineers who've worked for this guy have transfered out of his department as fast as they could, and at least one quit the company rather than work for him another day.

  6. Actually, good, but frighteningly narrow. Had a deep and thorough understanding of what it takes to squeeze millisecond speeds out of a mainframe transaction processing system. Why they put this guy in charge of systems programming, PC support, Macintosh support, and LAN support, I will never fathom, because he knew little about the first, and nothing about the latter three.

  7. He even looked like Dilbert's pointy-haired boss. In retrospect, the resemblence is scary.

  8. As you would expect of a black woman who made it as high up the ranks in the banking industry as she did. I am in awe of this woman's talent, skills, and personality. (No wonder she quit.)

  9. I worked for these guys for months. Despite being one of only about fifteen or so engineers under them, I almost never saw them. After four or so months, I never even learned the second guy's name, and when he came to fire me, he had to read the sign on my cubicle to figure out who I was. Neither of these guys seemed particularly harmful, per se, but if they were good for anything, I never saw it. And of course, they never had the first idea what I did for a living.

Lessons Learned

In summary, out of twelve middle managers responsible for all or part of my career, I had:

Now, if you're the optimistic sort, you might want to say that half of those bosses were at least good at something. Me, I see it as two thirds of them being inept at their job, and at least half were completely incompetent to judge my work.

And that's where the real problem came in, I'm convinced. Nowadays, degreed and certified computer professionals are no longer quite so scarce as they were when I got into the field in 1982. (People with 14 years of experience, my broad range, and my proven engineering skills are still scarce, but these people don't realize just how important those things are.)

So far too often, I ended up having my annual review with a guy who had no idea at all what I did for a living. If he had to judge who was doing a better job, say me (98.9% overall LAN and server reliability, despite some really poorly chosen components and no after-hours support) or some lackwit with a CNE and an MBA, who looked good in a suit, and shared his prejudices and knew to agree with the boss even when he was wrong, who's he going to pick?

Stupid me. I thought that the company hired me because I knew how to do this stuff. So when I was asked, "What do you think of Product X?", I'd give an honest answer. Sometimes it was a rave review. Other times, I'd say, "Well, I worked with Product X for over two years, and I think it sucks. It crashed about once a day, couldn't interconnect with half our hardware, the users couldn't figure out how to get any good out of it, and their technical support is non-existent." Only THEN would I find out that Tom heard from their salesman that the product walks on water and will solve all of our office networking problems for the next fifteen years. I guess a smart guy would have asked Tom what HE thought, first.

But even stupider me. Tom would tell me that the salesman said it was perfect, and then he'd mention some glorified press release in ComputerWorld, and then he'd ask me again what I thought of it. If I still thought it sucked, I'd tell him so. I would then add, "But you're the boss. MasterCard pays you to make these decisions, not me. If you want me to try to implement it, I'll do my best for you."

What it took me three years or more to figure out was that Tom assumed that when I turned out to be right, it was because I was sabotaging the project to prove him wrong. Frankly, the idea had never occurred to me. And if it had, my ethics would never have permitted it. How he could assume this about a man who was legendary for not treating corporate travel as a perc, I have no idea. I guess he just hated to be disagreed with that much.

In the two years I've mostly had off to reflect, I realized two things:

  1. Tom D. and Tony O. differed from half of the managers I worked for only in degree, not in kind. Nor are they uncommon; as best I can tell, nearly all of my friends work for Dilbert's Boss.

  2. Guys like Tom D. and Tony O. are the wave of the future.

When management has no idea what you do for a living, you are not going to be judged on your output, but on your groveling skills. And I grovel poorly. In fact, I went into the computer industry in no small part because I learned all the way back at the age of six that I don't always play well with the other kids. I do a very poor imitation of a normal person.

To give Tom credit, he spent a small fortune of the company's money on sending me out for Normal Person training. I took all kinds of motivational and personal skills courses. By the end of three years working for Tom D., I was doing the best imitation of a creepy normal that I will ever be capable of.

But damnit, that is (a) not playing to my strength, and (b) not acceptable to me in the long run. I am not willing to spend the rest of my life being a third-rate imitation creepy normal. I want to be a star.

I guess I should have become a developer. I almost went into Macintosh programming in 1985, but let the high cost of entry to that market scare me away. My world would be a very different place if I hadn't made that mistake. There are shops that need fast, bright, bug-free programmers with a good grasp of the overall system.

Instead, I went into LANs and WANs. I thought that they were just as interesting, and at least as hard, and studied less often. I figured I'd shine. And for a long time, I did shine.

Software development is core business for some companies. LAN and WAN engineering are overhead. There are no stars in Operations. Oops.

And every snotty-nosed kid with a CNE or an MSCE thinks that he can troubleshoot a multi-vendor, multi-protocol LAN. Hah. Put a Sniffer trace in these guys' hands, and see if they can figure out which component is mangling the packets. In the unlikely event that they do figure it out, see if they can (a) figure out where in the vendor's code the problem is, and communicate this to them clearly, and (b) design an off-the-shelf workaround, and (c) document it well enough for the next guy to pick it up. Fat chance. But again, what are the odds that I'll be working for a boss that knows this?

So What?

Maybe you could convince me that I wouldn't be working for Dilbert's Boss. I suppose you could even convince me that I would never end up working for Dilbert's Boss again, although I can't imagine how. So what? You don't want me, any more. I've been out of the field for two years. I'm not as hot as I once was. You want someone who isn't a version behind on everything. (Never mind that I could catch up quickly. How are you going to convince your management of that?)

So screw the computer industry. It's a crappy way to make a living, working for pretty crappy people, and all too often in an abusive environment. If I had it to do all over again, I think I'd run away and join the circus.

Which is not too far off from what I am going to do. But that would be telling. Suffice it to say that I'm going to launch my own business in the next ninety days, one that will have almost nothing to do with computers. And I'm going to make money, have fun, work for myself, and work with and around people that I like, for a change.

And that, sir or madam, is why I am not available for your LAN or WAN or PC Support or Macintosh support job opening. If you got this far, I hope you got some education or enjoyment out of it. If not ... well, I warned you in paragraph 1, and once again, I'm sorry to have wasted your time.